softsoft |

happy gemini season :***

maybe i do miss tumblr like there's more ppl there but i feel sorta incompatible with the athmosphere of it now but idk bleh. and i still hate likes... if i were to come back i wld prob make a new blog... that's always fun tho right?

i was looking at this one girl's blog on there and going thru it to listen to all the music she posted and it's sooo good and fresh to my ears this is one of the best tumblr experiences imo to be able to get new music(or other media,literature) recs from someone's actual taste not bc the algorithm recommended x band to u!! i love itttt, and when my actual friends give me music recs ofc <3<3<3

anyway no gossip ahead im just chilling oiling my scalp and eating this thing i baked out of oats, tahini, dates, cotttage cheese, olive oil and honey and it turned out more a bread than a cake but it's good with some butter and honey on top :) i <3when chaotic baking is an edible success

but also honestly i can live without voicing my Opinions but i am also v used to gossiping abt my irl ppl, or like local celebs im obsessed with (and there's a 100 percent change i am within two handshakes of knowing them like i just want to fangirl in privacy!!) or describing my hangout w my irl ppl and i just can't do it in the open field of social media with irls there... maybe someday idk.

i know ppl who do it and there arent many of those tbh like u gotta be a special kind of person imo... im too private 4 that! and the rest of humanity either has a blog like me or is a normie who doesn't need to talk abt their lyfe online ahah

sometimes i consider using a diff place to blog, like even being more open abt my lyfe on places like instagram (yeah lame) but i feel like i have become such a controversial person that no social/friend/online group i should expose to the barely filtered thoughts i have... like i cannot imagine posting my thoughts where my irl people can see them!

it's also this modern culture where u can't say anything outside of the status quo without immediately getting attacked by comments and inquiries on your ProBlemAtiC oPinioNs... ..... make it stop!! and living thru war adds to the heat of the discussions, some of my opinions would prob upset a foreign person and some a local person. i think it's not even me being so crazi, it's just how tense the online and offline society feels... there's obv upsides to this current culture but man. it feels like a cage... what happened to being fucking silly on the internet

plus the online culture/soc medias are also very against anonymity lately, like so many ppl go by their legal name as their insta handle now and insta is just a linkedin/"oh look how employable i am" thing. Ew.

i had a nonsensical insta handle for as long as i can remember and a month or so ago i caved in and changed it to my legal name (barf) it was not just bc of the pressure but also bc i never liked that prev handle. rn my insta is deactivated and i wanna reactivate it just to change my name to a new nonsensical handle i thought of today... lol as if that would make the place feel any more friendly. Well at least my acc wouldnt come up to those googling my fackin legal name!! esp since im applying 4 jobs now shhh (🧿)

helloooo im feeling so chatty so i might rant on here lol. i think i could get away without posting lately bc i had my gay group chat 4 the last yr but it's fizzling out... Rip

the only other girl in it left and the guys pretty much ignore my blog like rants there and r in general... so emotionally stunted im Sorryyyy i rly thought this male lameness disease doesn't apply to the gays and im sure it's true to an extent but theyre also all barely 22 and are chronically online and therefore r also scared to meet up (well esp the one i was the most obsessed w and thought we will be besties 4ever sigh)

Which is bizarre to me bc i am always down to meet up w someone i met online and blogged/ranted at bc i already know they rnt judging me which is the scariest part of meeting a person irl 4 ME. i think sadly there's some truth to the whole idea of - - - If u meet someone online and they seem to Live On The Internet and have barely any irl social life, there may be well a reason why, like maybe theyre not that well adjusted irl. I say that w love, and as someone who can be described by that sentence as well and ofc this isn't an axiom justa thoughttt.

anyway i just wanna be able to tell someone the stupid minutiae stuff from my everyday life rn so the void of blogging will have to do whats up

not posting feels so good that it makes me want to make a post about it. but that would def reactivate the neural path of the habit of posting. well

i feel like i'm changing a lot lately and not posting allows me to change and not feel like i need to cater to an image of myself that was once (sorta) true. i can molt out of identities without picking a new one, seamlessly. i don't need to explain myself and i don't constantly see the past me in a form of my older blog posts? i can just be

when you hit post your thoughts become a post.(!) posting is always constructing an identity to me. i always sync which of my thoughts i post in coherence with who i know habitually reads & interacts with my posts. it's me but it's not me... it's an act. i see now that it feels like denying parts of my psyche in a sense. constantly building up the neural pathway of even thinking certain thoughts more bc they are more of a post material. same with focusing on the experiences i can put in posts and inevitably build a persona. not posting brings quiet in my head

posting feels like pulling ur intimate thoughts and experiences onto a stage, applying stage makeup on them in the process, cheapening them. life and its physical and psychological experiences are so special to me! it is something so ethereal, that putting it into (not just words but) a post is really ruining it for me. which i only realized when i took a break from posting. it just feels so good this way

i've been put off by posting my photos for a while now and now i feel the same about my thoughts. it's also always a scream into the void, almost always i do it bc i love attention and getting it from foreign strangers online feels/felt safer for me (and now i know it's bc i was traumatized; on that note posting is one of the v intellectualizing in-ur-head activities that i try to do less of now, getting inside of my body for once instead. it's good for me at this part of my healing process!)

i thought i don't like texting and after i stopped blogging i had all the energy nd desire to tell my friends how i am instead of yellling it into the void of the internet

i do feel like posting steals, wastes part of my creative energy and i am not happy about it. why write anything if you can just post all day long...

bye for now, not swearing off posting forever, who knows

im omw to spend my birthday in lviv :) traveling feels so nice

my solar return chart for when im 30 will be just what i need this yr... a ton of planets in 9th and 10th houses = focus on education/travel Nd work... god knows i need a jobbb and i need to get into working harder !

i feel like everyone who's Not a pisces had a bad day/went crazi today on pisces new moon. and us pisces are used to this jazz lol

sauna today was so good my god<3 i feel beautiful and sexy lately it must be the spring approaching

quitting most social media is great bc i also quit the habit of looking up or accidentally seeing someone elses opinion on a certain piece of media or some element of today's culture or news... i did not even understand how often i didn't have a chance to form my own judgment before reading others' judgments and picking the one i liked most. and that's NOT the same as allowing urself the time and space to truly form your own opinion... sometimes it also felt like i oughta check if ppl w ur opinion are not getting bullied/cancelled for it. thats something

generally feeling better... in my head and body. doing various ns exercises and moving more, trying to eat less processed food. been improving my home a little even thought that put me in debt but its ok. want to recreate this lemon blueberry white chocolate glazed sweet loaf i tried the other day at a cafe, and i got all the ingredients! and the bread baking dish hehe :)

i had such great time walking around the beautiful melting snow in the sun these past three days<3 the best part of the year is starting! i feel alive!

i can't believe winter is almost over... in a month there will be new grass growing and maybe 10 degrees above zero... it feels like it's been winter for a year

i love how cold and snowy it has been :o) second winter. i cannot wait for spring but i love that we're getting REAL winter

ive been shopping irl more, lol, and i realized online shopping can be this dopamine trap for me, reading reviews where if im face to face with an item i dont rly care for some online randos' reviews? i just either buy smth or not. which also leads to the thing i do w online shopping - browsing stuff i dont rly need and won't even buy for AGES, researching and comparing and then it's like why did i do this... it's just another form of scrolling. im MUCH more decisive w irl shopping, it doesn't take me ages bc i wanna get moving not just stand inside this drugstore for 5 hrs yk? but i Can spend 5 hrs (jesus) in an online drugstore and then not even order a thing lollll. also online shopping makes u wanna order more at once to pay less for shipping which is not rly good for my wallet. nah
also shopping sites having saved lists encourages buying or lusting over smth in me whereas irl there's no wishlist and my head is like blissfully empty. i think i started online shopping more when my back pain was rly bad but it's better now so i can go back to irl shopping when needed!

i love that everyone is feeling it now and it's not just me disliking social media it's that social media is dying. for everyone. the idea that the entire earth could have like 5 sites/apps to use to be Social on has of course failed bc the ones owning those sites/apps made sure to make us addicted and not really united, show us as much ads as possible, etc... bring segmented internet back<3 it's so much more ROMANTIC

im looking into synastry charts for the first time eva and im going insane, it's so much information that its rly hard to take in. looking at how my stupid family charts interact w one another. The one betw father n me has an overwhelming amount of aspects?? idk abt synastry much but i can assumethat could mean we could either be besties or mortal enemies and we're not besties lol. gross lol

i did NOT realize strattera made my tendency to get constipated sooo much worse i was blaming how i eat but look at me now pooping so great i feel ALIVE like u cant enjoy life if u cant eat and shit well imo lol. plus it def made my tendency to have missing periods worse bc i have insulin resistance but come december i started walking a lot and i noticed my ir was getting better like i lost weight and didnt get sleepy from eating (no insuline spike) and i was sure my period wld come back too but it didnt and now im suspecting its bc of strattera lol many ppl report they just flat out get no periods on it. and whats insane is no one even researches as to why?? psych meds are so stupid like take this so u could start tasks easier but u wont be able to shit and ovulate and will be sweaty 24/7 yay<3 enjoy<3

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