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Friday, 17 January 2025 05:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
softsoft i had coffee today for the first time in months and it put me in the mood for posting loolll. im annoyed at my adhd meds for making my peeing weird and my body temperature high so im sweating like CRAZY whenever i move. it's only winter and i hardly socialize so no one rly sees me looking like a wet rat but it still upsets me even if noone sees it... and what am i supposed to do in our crazy hot springs and summers? sorry but no. But it does help me with thinking and focusing. also im convinced now that i have childhood trauma/cptsd and maybe both that and adhd or maybe just the trauma tbh... it's possible lol. just bc i got the Official Diagnosis doesn't mean it can't be wrong. i mean EYE know doctors make mistakes, i pursued getting an official adhd dx so i can try meds and also prove to others that im not enjoying doing nothing w my life and that i have smth Wrong with me.
it's just that now i think whats wrong w me is trauma. which i couldn't understand until i tried adhd meds and could focus on reading but still felt no desire to get up in the morning 4 example. could just lay for hours (no depression either) then i was like am i..... having a freeze response.... and yeah it looks like it and all the somatic things i try work and i start to notice when im in freeze and when im chilling and not in freeze and those two states rly are SO different. and u actually recover and heal in the rest and digest state and blabla bla.
and even if it isn't adhd i kinda wanna stay on my meds until spring bc they rly prevented my winter depression, it's such a relief lol. but also i wanna quit them immediately bc im annoyed at the side effects a lot. at least they're easy to get off and on to, no withdrawals w them or addiction. i was not taking them for a couple days when i ran out in the beginning of this month and i did not feel any type of sickness. BUT i felt that i turned so DUHMB. i was like is.... is this how dumb and unfocused and forgetful i usually am??? it was seriously tragic and so upsetting. like i said i despise my brains biochemistry.
but now i see that if i work on my trauma and nervous system im sure to actually feel better and some of my fog is for sure bc of cptsd... also maybe it was just while i was coming down from it and maybe if i kept not taking it i would sorta stabilize. But idk i feel like it's going to be really easy for me to get overwhelmed by my life and all its problems and get despaired and depressed when im not on meds without rly changing my life for the better. primarily getting a GOOD JOB so i can feel busy and content and get my own money and get some separation from my parents as result. Like i don't need therapy on my relationship w my parents rn i j need MONEY to get away from them. blahhhhh
and yeah i need a job that i can work on without adhd meds, so probably no tedious office jobs. fuck mc office and all that shit. no thanks
it's just that now i think whats wrong w me is trauma. which i couldn't understand until i tried adhd meds and could focus on reading but still felt no desire to get up in the morning 4 example. could just lay for hours (no depression either) then i was like am i..... having a freeze response.... and yeah it looks like it and all the somatic things i try work and i start to notice when im in freeze and when im chilling and not in freeze and those two states rly are SO different. and u actually recover and heal in the rest and digest state and blabla bla.
and even if it isn't adhd i kinda wanna stay on my meds until spring bc they rly prevented my winter depression, it's such a relief lol. but also i wanna quit them immediately bc im annoyed at the side effects a lot. at least they're easy to get off and on to, no withdrawals w them or addiction. i was not taking them for a couple days when i ran out in the beginning of this month and i did not feel any type of sickness. BUT i felt that i turned so DUHMB. i was like is.... is this how dumb and unfocused and forgetful i usually am??? it was seriously tragic and so upsetting. like i said i despise my brains biochemistry.
but now i see that if i work on my trauma and nervous system im sure to actually feel better and some of my fog is for sure bc of cptsd... also maybe it was just while i was coming down from it and maybe if i kept not taking it i would sorta stabilize. But idk i feel like it's going to be really easy for me to get overwhelmed by my life and all its problems and get despaired and depressed when im not on meds without rly changing my life for the better. primarily getting a GOOD JOB so i can feel busy and content and get my own money and get some separation from my parents as result. Like i don't need therapy on my relationship w my parents rn i j need MONEY to get away from them. blahhhhh
and yeah i need a job that i can work on without adhd meds, so probably no tedious office jobs. fuck mc office and all that shit. no thanks
