(no subject)

 not posting feels so good that it makes me want to make a post about it. but that would def reactivate the neural path of the habit of posting. well

i feel like i'm changing a lot lately and not posting allows me to change and not feel like i need to cater to an image of myself that was once (sorta) true. i can molt out of identities without picking a new one, seamlessly. i don't need to explain myself and i don't constantly see the past me in a form of my older blog posts? i can just be

when you hit post your thoughts become a post.(!) posting is always constructing an identity to me. i always sync which of my thoughts i post in coherence with who i know habitually reads & interacts with my posts. it's me but it's not me... it's an act. i see now that it feels like denying parts of my psyche in a sense. constantly building up the neural pathway of even thinking certain thoughts more bc they are more of a post material. same with focusing on the experiences i can put in posts and inevitably build a persona. not posting brings quiet in my head
 

posting feels like pulling ur intimate thoughts and experiences onto a stage, applying stage makeup on them in the process, cheapening them. life and its physical and psychological experiences are so special to me! it is something so ethereal, that putting it into (not just words but) a post is really ruining it for me. which i only realized when i took a break from posting. it just feels so good this way
 

i've been put off by posting my photos for a while now and now i feel the same about my thoughts. it's also always a scream into the void, almost always i do it bc i love attention and getting it from foreign strangers online feels/felt safer for me (and now i know it's bc i was traumatized; on that note posting is one of the v intellectualizing in-ur-head activities that i try to do less of now, getting inside of my body for once instead. it's good for me at this part of my healing process!)
 

i thought i don't like texting and after i stopped blogging i had all the energy nd desire to tell my friends how i am instead of yellling it into the void of the internet
 

i do feel like posting steals, wastes part of my creative energy and i am not happy about it. why write anything if you can just post all day long...
 

bye for now, not swearing off posting forever, who knows