(no subject)

 the thing is i don't like almost all of the job ads i see... it's hard lying to urself that u want to talk to customers all day whil cooped up on a laptop at home/in a stinky office. i don't like these blue collar jobs i see, it's always so exploitative with crazy hrs and intense physical labor and i don't like the white collar ones either. it has got to be something very one of a kind i think. but then sometimes i see ads that i like and i get insecure and scared. but im working on it. i need to find a job but to not get into a job knowing but ignoring that it sucks for me

(no subject)

 i had coffee today for the first time in months and it put me in the mood for posting loolll. im annoyed at my adhd meds for making my peeing weird and my body temperature high so im sweating like CRAZY whenever i move. it's only winter and i hardly socialize so no one rly sees me looking like a wet rat but it still upsets me even if noone sees it... and what am i supposed to do in our crazy hot springs and summers? sorry but no. But it does help me with thinking and focusing. also im convinced now that i have childhood trauma/cptsd and maybe both that and adhd or maybe just the trauma tbh... it's possible lol. just bc i got the Official Diagnosis doesn't mean it can't be wrong. i mean EYE know doctors make mistakes, i pursued getting an official adhd dx so i can try meds and also prove to others that im not enjoying doing nothing w my life and that i have smth Wrong with me.

it's just that now i think whats wrong w me is trauma. which i couldn't understand until i tried adhd meds and could focus on reading but still felt no desire to get up in the morning 4 example. could just lay for hours (no depression either) then i was like am i..... having a freeze response.... and yeah it looks like it and all the somatic things i try work and i start to notice when im in freeze and when im chilling and not in freeze and those two states rly are SO different. and u actually recover and heal in the rest and digest state and blabla bla.

and even if it isn't adhd i kinda wanna stay on my meds until spring bc they rly prevented my winter depression, it's such a relief lol. but also i wanna quit them immediately bc im annoyed at the side effects a lot. at least they're easy to get off and on to, no withdrawals w them or addiction. i was not taking them for a couple days when i ran out in the beginning of this month and i did not feel any type of sickness. BUT i felt that i turned so DUHMB. i was like is.... is this how dumb and unfocused and forgetful i usually am??? it was seriously tragic and so upsetting. like i said i despise my brains biochemistry.

but now i see that if i work on my trauma and nervous system im sure to actually feel better and some of my fog is for sure bc of cptsd... also maybe it was just while i was coming down from it and maybe if i kept not taking it i would sorta stabilize. But idk i feel like it's going to be really easy for me to get overwhelmed by my life and all its problems and get despaired and depressed when im not on meds without rly changing my life for the better. primarily getting a GOOD JOB so i can feel busy and content and get my own money and get some separation from my parents as result. Like i don't need therapy on my relationship w my parents rn i j need MONEY to get away from them. blahhhhh

and yeah i need a job that i can work on without adhd meds, so probably no tedious office jobs. fuck mc office and all that shit. no thanks

(no subject)

 all this stuff abt cptsd is crazy i rly thought cptsd is like a more intense case of ptsd or smth and it's not that... and im reading pete walker's book on it rn and ofc i recognize myself in it but also literally ALL my fucking family and a ton of friends. he is right to say that bad parenting is like an epidemic in our society.

i think it's so contagious too, kids grow up traumatized by their parents and proceed to get together w equally traumatized partners bc healthy partners don't rly stay w unhealthy ones!! then they proceed to have beautiful innocent pure children who they traumatize. innocent children grow up to be traumatized adults and the cycle just goes on 4ever... it is vile, just vile.

and i cannot be FUCKED to justify it bc "oh ur poor abusive parents grew up in poor conditions or were also abused" or like "oh u know everyone beats their children it's no biggie" like... i understand CULTURE and i am not here to demonize people for being products of the culture around them. but human and especially child psyche has its limits to what treatment it can and cannot withstand without getting trauma. im not saying to cancel everyone who beat their children 4 example. im saying that it is going to traumatize those children bc that's how human psychology works and u can normalize all types of shit, child marriages, beating, raping, whatever, but it doesn't change the fact that these things are traumatizing. period

like in my example i understand my mother had horrible parents and i empathize w little innocent her having to live through that, and i am sorry, but it doesn't mean i can't be pissed about her abusing me. i don't want her to feel guilt, but i want her to feel responsible bc there's a cause and effect here. i didnt became socially anxious bc im such a fragile little shy thing, it was bc i had NO SAFE CARETAKER to form a healthy bond with so whyd u expect such child to trust other people can be bonded with if even her parents treat her like that! (thanks pete for this explanation of soc anxiety btw lol)

also re getting stuck in one of the fight or flight responses (freeze for me:() i saw ppl on reddit say they've been in freeze for 10 or 15 yrs and it made me think. and i feel like i was in freeze since literally 4 yrs old, so 25 yrs out of the 29 yrs i lived... brother that is insane and so fucking unfair. like the fuck